Supporting a family through stillbirth is one of the most feared roles as a birth worker, and yet almost always it happens without the opportunity for us to really have had the time to consider how we can provide the best support possible. This article aims to give you some thoughts and ideas to help you to plan for this tragic possibility. If you are in need of this article right now, I am so very sorry for what you are experiencing and for your clients’ loss.
The doula’s role after stillbirth
As doulas, we talk a lot about holding space, and this is never more important than after the death of a baby. In the shock of the tragedy, parents will not know what to do or what is expected of them, and a doula can make a huge difference by supporting them to take their time, and reminding them that they don’t need to rush any decisions. If hospital staff are pushing for decisions to be made, you can ask what the reason for a fast answer might be, to help to work out whether it’s medically necessary, or whether it’s something that can wait for a while. Nowadays, there is usually a trained bereavement midwife, or bereavement team, so it can be helpful to ensure that they are involved with the family’s care, if that’s what they want.
Practical aspects of doula care
Some ways that doulas can help are with ensuring that parents are aware of things that they are unlikely to have heard of. For instance, you can find out if the parents can access a cold cot, sometimes called a cuddle cot. These are little bassinets with an integrated cooler. In between holding their baby, parents can lay him or her in the cuddle cot, which helps to preserve their baby’s body for longer, giving them more time with their baby. Sometimes, cuddle cots can be taken home so parents can still bring their baby home for up to a few days.
Some mothers or birthing parents will want to stop their milk supply, if they don’t already have a child that they are breastfeeding. Others may wish to donate milk to a milk bank, but few people will know that this may be an option. It isn’t an option for everyone, so it’s worth finding out where your local milk bank is, and seeing what their donor requirements are.
Have a list of charities that you know can be helpful for parents. For instance, SANDS offer an excellent bereavement service. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a volunteer photography service, who will come to take professional photos of stillborn babies. While there are not many in their database, they have useful information for photographers which could still be helpful for parents. Little Angel Gowns make beautiful funeral gowns and outfits for newborn babies, made from donated wedding dresses which allow babies to go to rest dressed beautifully, made by volunteers who have also sometimes experienced loss.
Support Yourself
Supporting families through loss will be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Remember that you can speak to your mentor, or contact your preferred doula group to discuss your feelings and experiences. It’s ok to share what you are going through, provided you respect the family’s privacy and any details of their birth and baby, unless you have permission. Remember the circle of grief theory (if you don’t know it, read it here) and comfort in, dump out. But make sure that you do dump out. Do seek support for yourself, and take time for yourself. It’s ok for you to grieve as well.